Posted by Jeff Carlisle

JOHANNESBURG -- You know that a news conference has been a complete waste of time when the most astute observation comes from a journalist. So it proved Monday when one of the soccer scribes in attendance informed FIFA president Sepp Blatter, "We are not in North Korea."

The occasion was the groundbreaking announcement that FIFA has joined forces with French magazine France Football to create a new yearly award designating the best player on the planet. You see, France Football had the Ballon d'Or to signify the European Footballer of the Year, while FIFA had its own FIFA World Player of the Year. The combined award now has the catchy name "FIFA Ballon d'Or."

A news release trumpeting such a momentous achievement would have sufficed. But no, the announcement was held in the posh confines of the Sandton Convention Centre, and the journalists in attendance were issued translation devices so they could take down every word. These proved superfluous, as Blatter showed off his considerable skill at speaking for 12 minutes straight without saying anything. When Blatter compared soccer to "the classic Greek theater … where you would not know the end of the play," the cure for insomnia wasn't far away.

As illuminating as this comment was, the event's most redeeming moment came when the floor was opened for questions. After being informed that Blatter would be taking only questions about the new award, one intrepid reporter dared to ask whether FIFA was suspending France's team because of apparent interference by the French government. This was brushed aside with relative ease by the FIFA PR man in attendance, but the assembled media horde was not so easily placated.

The question was posed: "Since we are not in North Korea, I would like to repeat the question the colleague raised a few minutes ago. Would you please elaborate the situation between the relationship between the French Federation and FIFA, and will this agreement have any influence on the relationship?"

Duly shamed, Blatter replied that FIFA's relationship with the FFF was "good" and "healthy."

Nigeria, evidently, isn't on such chummy terms with soccer's governing body. The Nigerian government's intention to disband the national team for two years because of poor performance remains intact, as does FIFA's threat of suspending Nigeria if it doesn't rescind the order by midnight Monday.

Blatter said ominously, "We do hope that everything comes back to normal."

Kim Jong-il would be proud.