US Weekly

Simon Cowell Knocks Up His Best Friend’s Wife: Cowell, 53, once said “God, no, I couldn’t have children. With kids, you’ve got a routine you can’t escape from.” Looks like he had an accidental change of heart/affair with his best friend’s wife! Cowell is unexpectedly “expecting a baby with NYC socialite Lauren Silverman! She’s 10 weeks along.” Trickily enough, the 36-year-old mom-to-be is “still married to Cowell’s close friend, NYC real estate mogul Andrew Silverman — but plans to leave him to be with the Brit.” Good luck with that.

Alec Baldwin & Anderson Cooper: The feud rages on. Or rather, Baldwin keeps throwing more gas on the fire when he really needs to take a seat. Cooper “ignited the actor’s rage” when he tweeted to ask “why Baldwin got a ‘pass’ for calling a reporter a ‘toxic little queen.'” On Howard Stern’s show, Baldwin (currently starring in Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine) “accused Cooper — who came out last year — of trying to ‘reinforce his credibility in the gay community … You couldn’t get him out of the closet for 10 years with a canister of tear gas.'” TEAR GAS MAYBE NOT THE BEST WORD CHOICE, ALEC. It was the 44th anniversary of the Stonewall riots in June. Also, you don’t get to tell anyone how and when (if at all) to come out of the closet. And if anyone sounds like a “toxic little queen” diva running her mouth too much in this whole situation, it’s Baldwin!

Male catfights, ugh. Baldwin told Stern that his own gay friends think Cooper is “acting like a sheriff … writing everybody a ticket.” Alec Baldwin. Sit the fuck down. Now. Elsewhere, Baldwin hinted at self-awareness, joking, “That really is what should be on my tombstone: HE TWEETED TOO MUCH.”

Kate Moss Hates Texting: “I am a grammar snob. Capital letters, commas — everything has to be perfect. I can’t stand it otherwise. So it takes too long.” LOL.

Lisa Kudrow on the Rumored Friends Reunion: “I went, ‘Wait a minute, was I not invited? Oh, my god, maybe there is one and I wasn’t asked to do it.'” SUCH A PHOEBE THING TO SAY.

Christina Applegate: “A year ago, my daughter swallowed a rock. She pooped it out, and I was so relieved that I saved the rock in this heart-shaped box.” Stay classy San Diego.

Will Forte Is a Minister: Or at least Forte got ordained so that he could preside over the wedding ceremony of Patrick Carney from the Black Keys. No idea whether he was in character as Clancy T. Bachleratt.

Paula Deen & Dora Charles: “Dora Charles, 59, a manager at Deen’s Lady & Sons eatery in Georgia told the New York Times July 25 the celeb chef, 66, used racial slurs and asked another worker to wear an Aunt Jemima–style getup.” Deen’s spokesperson retorts that “Charles is trying to cash in on the situation.” Assuming “the situation” refers to institutional racism and attempts to smooth it over as exemplified by the Deen lawsuit, good for Charles.

Kristen Wiig Is Shy Off Camera: “People think I’m going to throw on a wig and start tap dancing on the bible.”

Christina Ricci: “I don’t know anyone who looks back and says, ‘Oh, you should see what I looked like at 17.'”

Geraldo Rivera on His Selfie: “I had a couple of drinks … It was like 2:30 and I was like, ‘Damn it, I like that picture.'”

Demi Lovato Shades Miley Cyrus: Quoth Demi, “I’m really tired of the word twerking. It’s like swag. It’s like, ‘OK, just stop.'” No, YOU stop Demi!

Things You Don’t Know About Emma Roberts (Excerpted):

• “I still have Steve, my baby blanket. Nobody knows why I named him that, including me.”
• “I had to wear a school uniform and I loved it.”
• “When I was 12, I cried after not getting the role of Wendy in Peter Pan.”
• “I attended Sarah Lawrence college … for six weeks.”
• “I love to make pies, especially peach.”
• “One of my top books is Joan Didion’s Play It As It Lays.”
• “When I was 16 I pierced my belly button. My mom found out during a family trip to Disneyland. It was not the Happiest Place on Earth that day!”

Leah Remini Is Writing a Tell-all: YESSSSSS! Dish that ex-Scientologist tea! “It will include my experiences, everything that’s taboo to talk about.” So ready.

Hugh Jackman Feels Old: “The Wolverine is between the ages of 150 and 300, and on some of those 4 a.m. calls, I felt about 300 years old. There’s one scene where the crew is blowing one of those industrial leaf blowers at me. You can see the folds of my skin just flapping around. That’s the point where you think, I don’t look so young!” How was his workout regimen for the movie? “It’s boring.” The interviewer asks Jackman, “Is there a world in which you could combine your love of Broadway and playing Wolverine?” Jackman gamely responds, “I would like to see a dancing Wolverine kick line. I think that would be cool.” ME TOO HUGH.

Michael B. Jordan Wants to Play the Human Torch: “I’d jump at the chance. Nothing says the guy has to be a specific race. You know he’s a charismatic playboy. That’s it!” But what he really wants is an Oscar. “I don’t want to hold one unless it’s my own.” Sidney Poitier told him he loved Fruitvale Station.

Misc/Etc: “She doesn’t even want to leave the house” “eager to go back to school” “tresses got caught in a machine blade” “The star, 27, threw up three times while singing her hit in Spain” “I had a few drinks” “you only get through about one page a month” “mused on airplane sex and faking orgasms” “Bill Clinton chatted up honoree Ashton Kutcher” “Fifty-four and flaunting it!” “her Instagrammed body parts” “I like bulking up!” “Nothing bothers him unless he’s hungry” “a third little guy named Clyde!” “(lots of quinoa!)”

Star

Is The Bachelorette’s Brooks Gay? “A telling photograph of Brooks and another man has surfaced, sparking rumors across the web that Brooks may not be interested in settling down with Desiree — or any woman.” SCANDAL! In the photo “Brooks is shown holding a mystery man from behind — and both look cozy enough to raise a few eyebrows, not to mention questions about Brooks’ true feelings for Desiree.” The photo in question is totally tame and bro-ish. Desiree “is so in love with Brooks. And if the rumors are true, it would be too much for her to handle.” Desiree has chosen to “ignore the gay talk” and go with her heart. “Des is convinced that Brooks is both straight and marriage material. She has incredibly deep feelings for him. She says that if he were gay, she’d know.” Girl.

Married Men’s Fantasy Girls: “When 22,460 members of the 20-million-strong extramarital dating website Ashley Madison were asked which celebrity is Hollywood’s ‘most cheatworthy’ Miley won, hands down.” Cyrus took first place, while the remaining would-be mistresses are Mila Kunis, Jennifer Lawrence, Sofia Vergara, and Beyoncé. Cool poll, cool site!

Teresa & Joe Giudice Facing Prison Time for Fraud: “The Real Housewives of New Jersey diva Teresa Giudice has stood by her man, hubby Joe Giudice, through bankruptcy, DUI, and assault charges, as well as an arrest for allegedly using his brother’s identification to get a driver’s license. Soon, she will be standing beside him in federal court as an indicted coconspirator in a massive bank-fraud scheme — with both of them facing decades behind bars.” You wanted the real, you got the real! “Joe and Teresa allegedly scammed four banks and three lending institutions out of nearly $5 million in fraudulent loans.”

Katie Holmes & Robin Thicke: “Katie Holmes is finally free — to pursue her musical aspirations! The former Mrs. Tom Cruise is trying to parlay her friendship with ‘Blurred Lines’ singer Robin Thicke into a singing career.” I wish this were real; it’s so weird I love it. “Katie and Robin have already been in the studio together — he thinks she’s got serious talent.” What rhymes with Xenu?

Jennifer Aniston Sets Star Straight: “There have been no canceled or postponed weddings. There have been no arguments about where to get married. We have yet to set any date. We just want to do it when it’s perfect, we’re not rushed and no one is rushing from a job or rushing to a job. And, you know, we already feel married.”

Selena Gomez Kisses a Girl for Her 21st Birthday: An eyewitness claims that at the club on Gomez’s birthday, she “got superclose with a sexy young brunette in a skimpy dress. They were sitting on each other’s laps and couldn’t stop holding hands and touching. Selena started kissing her on the lips. It went on for a few minutes. She was having the time of her life.” SPRING BREAK.

Misc/Etc: “Perhaps she was mulling the lyrics for a new sea shanty” “His only demand was for everyone to have fun with the money” “large implants on tiny people” “a British actor and champion boxer” “was a famous child star, but trying to cling to her youthful appearance hasn’t done her any favors” “simply adding volume does not restore youth” “(as Elizabeth Taylor rolled over in her grave)” “the still bankable 50s bombshell” “celebratory cake in the shape of series creator Vince Gilligan’s head on a turtle” “traded in juiceheads for salty dogs” “sported a cat face” “if you try to be sexy, you’ll never be sexy” “If you can’t make promiscuous kinky sex interesting, you’re in big trouble”

In Touch

Courteney Cox Inspired “The Carlton”: Alfonso Ribeiro said the dance was his imitation of Cox! “She basically does that dance with Bruce Springsteen in the 1984 video for ‘Dancing in the Dark.'” THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.

Rihanna Still Going Through Some Shit: While performing “Stay” in France, she broke down crying and said, “I don’t know what I’m crying about.” Two days after that the 25-year-old posted a quote on her Instagram account that said, “I hate when exes say, ‘I’m here if you need me.’ Where the fuck were you when we were together and I needed you?” Even Rihanna has a Taylor Swift inside of her.

Lady Gaga’s Ex-Friend Tells All: Brendan Jay Sullivan, the author of Rivington Was Ours: Lady Gaga, The Lower East Side, and the Prime of Our Youth, recounts an anecdote about how “Gaga once picked white powder out of her carpet and rubbed it onto her gums.” He claims she then said, “It’s mint. I wish it was coke.”

Mario Batali on Justin Bieber Peeing in a Restaurant’s Mop Bucket: “If I was the chef at that establishment, I would have brutally kicked his ass.” I would like to see that. Would Batali do it in crocs?

A Cat That Looks Like Jim Caviezel: “Carol Figueiredo’s cat, Figo, has perfected the art of the stop-you-in-your-tracks gaze. Figo (also called “The Suit”) reminds her of the Person of Interest star with his serious eyes and inquisitive nature.”

Misc/Etc: “Men in Uniform” “curbs her usual bohemian ways and puts on the glitz” “calling her a ‘man’ with a ‘baby voice'” “unhealthy relationship with an ex boyfriend” “an alleged raging cocaine habit” “her signature ginger ‘do” “Critics called the look everything from ‘inappropriate’ to ‘creepy'” “And that red hair? It comes courtesy of both his grandmothers” “flaunts her amazing assets on the beach” “I feel revived, renewed” “Hello, Officer Sexy!” “eating wine popsicles” “Beyoncé wears a Batman mask” “Her face is unmistakably rounder” “This creepy jacket is made from one million strands of human chest hair”

OK!

Dina Lohan Talks to OK! About Lindsay: DAMN IT DINA LOHAN YOU’RE ALREADY NOT HELPING. She says she and Lindsay “FaceTime all the time.” JUST GOOOOOOO AWAYYYYYYYYY.

Girl-Crazy Robert Pattinson Dating a Bunch of Girls: He is juggling actress Sarah Gadon, Elvis’s granddaughter Riley Keough, and photographer Caitlin Cronenberg (daughter of David). He is acting alongside Gadonin a movie called Maps to the Stars. “They have quite a feisty relationship. Sarah’s forever teasing him and likes to make jokes at Rob’s expense. It raised a few eyebrows on set to start with, because other cast and crew members thought there was friction between them. But nothing could be further from the truth. More likely, it’s sexual tension — and she seems to be wooing him by treating him mean.” Oh, that style. Pattinson likes it, and “the stunning blonde” has become a tight friend. “They have become very close.” Maps to the Stars is a David Cronenberg joint. Pattinson met Caitlin Cronenberg when he made Cosmopolis with her dad. “Even though he was dating Kristen [Stewart] at the time, Rob was seen flirting with Caitlin on set, and keeping close to her at the Cosmopolis party.”

Miley’s Parents Call Off Their Divorce: Billy Ray Cyrus said, “We both woke up and realized we love each other and decided we want to stay together.” The couple has been married nearly 20 years and says couples counseling helped them to reconcile during their split. Forget the haters, cuz somebody loves ya.

Turtle & Vanessa: Jerry Ferrara (Turtle on Entourage) might be dating Jessica Szohr (Vanessa on Gossip Girl). “They like each other, it’s not exclusive, they’re seeing where things go.” Remember when he was with Meadow Soprano?

Misc/Etc: “It’s your honeymoon; take your rabbit if you want!” “My life is crazy with work and family, but it’s amazing” “minimizes the appearance of her waist” “The retro silhouette appears matronly” “It’s your season to play with prints and just have fun” “She is very happy that the cyberstalking was dismissed” “Then they kissed — it was all very passionate and intriguing” “I was a Type-A loser” “a week she spent Instagramming topless selfies” “a love story about two manic depressives” “TAKING YOUR KIDS ON THE HONEYMOON” “I’m emotionally drained” “BEATS A CYBER RAP” “hiding under a rock for years” “the long-term girlfriend type” “she’s soon to be Mrs. Adam Levine (jelz!)”